ATTENTION, TYPE-A AUTODIDACTS!

• Are you stuck in a dead end job?
• Are you on your third beer of the evening?
• Are you squandering the precious gift of life in front of the idiot box?
• Have you already tried, and possibly failed at, the exciting world of monorail conducting?

Sprezzatech is in need of a chief executive officer cum director of marketing cum director of sales cum safe driver. Someone who can talk on the phone without uncontrollable twitching. Someone who can be counted on not to bring offensive odors into meetings. Someone who can be counted on, indeed, to remember the dates of said meetings, and attend them. Someone who can determine what local, state and federal statutes and regulations we've been unwittingly violating before actual regulatory agencies do so. Someone who knows how we can avoid being sued by Apple before the bombs are in place. Essentially, someone upon whom I can foist all the touchy-feely non-technical details of running this operation.

Preferably, we will be hiring a female candidate, since there's quite enough masculine influence and perspective at this company already. That said, male candidates are still encouraged to apply (this paragraph might well be one of those regulatory violations I mentioned earlier. Should that be the case, please note as much on your application for bonus points.)

Compensation will, sadly, hardly be competitive. We want someone for whom this will be their first major job, someone young enough to throw themselves wholly into it, someone inquisitive and quick and perceptive enough to learn on the fly without any in-company mentoring resources, someone hungry enough to take my engineering and make sure it flies. In exchange, you will have the chance to learn, do, see and know infinitely more than you would in some shit inside sales job, calling sadsack assholes to sell them garbage for which they know nothing but contempt. You will run, in all senses save long-term mission and short-term engineering, every aspect of a bleeding-edge technology startup. You will own a chunk of it, which might turn into something worth more than you could right now hope. I want someone who dreams big, big enough to contain my own flights of fancy, fits of abstraction, and furor scribendi.

We will expect and understand mistakes and oversights. We're all learning how to run a company as we go along, and you'll be doing the same. What will not be tolerated is anything less than the total effort, any failure to internalize this opportunity, to define yourself by it, to lose yourself in the music, the moment, you own it, &c &c. When I started my first company, at 20, I dropped out of school and began 5 years of unceasing 100+ hour workweeks. It was only through that effort that I was able to acquire experience that would normally come with time, experience necessary to catch up and start beating other, larger, better-funded competitors. By the time I left that company, three people had become a hundred. Ten years later, that company is making over a million dollars per quarter, and has maintained (to the best of my knowledge) a close-knit, elitist approach to assembling an engineering team.

It was, without a doubt, the best time of my life or any life I can fathom.

It's very rare that you have the chance to, by yourself, change the lives of a great many people, summon up value from nothing, or create real effects by exertion of the imagination. We're going to have tremendous fun, and beat some big names at their own games. You'll have the delicious pleasure of being on the team that's always kicking everyone else's ass. Know that I am not putting my own (rather extremely successful) career on hold for several of my prime years so that I can dick around. We're going to be like big bags of bricks falling out of the sky onto the unwary. Join us! Taste victory!

Sprezzatech is on track to pull in nearly half a million dollars per partnered engineer this year. We will be expanding rapidly next year, and raise additional capital via a SCOR offering. This is a very real deal. We are going to do some exciting, crazy, unorthodox things, and surprise the hell out of some people. We'll exploit our agility, audacity, aggressiveness and acumen to justify our arrogance. The word “wafflestomp” will be heard in our strategic discussions. You can work from home, so long as you're willing to work 16 hours a day. Wouldn't you like to be a part of that?





Please apply via jobs@sprezzatech.com. Feel free, but in no way required, to use encrypted email. Send a résumé/CV/good attendance award, and (more importantly) a one-page summary of your imagined “first 90 days”: what aspects of the organization you'd take over most quickly and most authoritatively, and what you'd do. All submissions will become permanent property of the Sprezzatura Computing Corporation.